Rabu, 15 Mei 2013

Pains and more pains

I feel like a little spoilt brat at the moment because I am going to whinge about pain, my leg has got no better and now what feels like my Achilles heel is injured, which because of the way I am having to walk is making my leg hurt even more, now not only the top of my thigh but my bum, back, shin and of course the heel itself are either throbbing or aching or feel like I have a Chinese burn going on inside.
I really just can't stand any more pain, my ribs on the left feel inflamed, Monday I felt like I was coming down with cold and felt miserable, taking night nurse and diazepam because my body was going into overdrive.  How do people cope, I just don't know anymore.  I know I am fed up of pain, one seems to fade into the background as another appears, its a long road that never ends.
At present my chest feels like it has been in a vice on the left side, on a morning that takes a good hour before I feel like I have room to sit straight, but then it aches.  I don't want to start taking more morphine I just want to understand why pain is increasing, after all my last scan said I was inactive, ok haven't results for this, but am hoping for the same.
Maybe if it was a one off that we do go through, everyone has aches and pains sometimes in their lives, but I just feel I have been dealt the must unluckiest hand given.  I know that sounds self pitying but today that's how I feel.  I feel bad for hubby too, he sits there and can't do anything, I feel like he is having to become a servant for my needs and that isn't right.
Even my bum cheek hurts now, and as always its the left, my fear's are growing, I had the worst nightmare last night, probably brought on by my fear that is racing round my head, what if the meso has got to my spine?  If it is resting on a nerve in my back maybe I can get a nerve block for it but what if it isn't.  I have considered it not being connected but then why my left and why where the bottom of lung is where all the nerves are gathered in one big block. 
I so want to be pain free, to live and not be sat here feeling so sorry for myself.  What makes it worse is I know many meso warriors are going through much worse but even that thought isn't stopping me feeling like this.  Dear God please take the pain away.  Even sitting is painful.
Just had to get this off my chest because my mind is buzzing with meso.  Somewhere inside I know that a spot of nerve pain can be caused by no other reason than a stretch but its been weeks since it started, 4 physio appointments later and I am worse.
So my mood is that of the weather, grey and miserable.

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