Rabu, 21 Agustus 2013

Am frightened but aren't we all?

The week has had been ill, pensive and normal.  The bile has been the worst of the problems that I have gone through, the heavy burning in my chest and the throwing up of same.  I went into the office on Monday to turn around and come straight home.  I text my GP who kindly rang me back and said he would call in.
I felt somewhat guilty when he called as I was feeling a lot better and felt like a fraud, other people are out there needing him more than I was.  He listened but didn't say much about the events that had brought me through the weekend, although he did listen to my chest and said I could fly.  Relief over Gary's face as he thinks this holiday will do us both good.
Each morning and night I look at my stomach.  I am so frightened that the fluid is going to return, although it took a few months to get to the level of where it was (9 months +) it had been building from at least April this year.  Of course I am going to be paranoid of it's return, I had never heard of this happening before and now having gone through it, I am scared it comes back.  I am taking the water tablets but to be honest I don't think they will do much good, after all they are designed for when the heart's right ventricle doesn't work properly. 
Needless to say I haven't got a nice flat stomach, one that I had last year any way, but it is still a funny shape.  Whether I sit and sunbathe this holiday I'm not sure, probably should keep the middle bit covered!
I read somewhere that Ascities is usually a sign that we are on our last legs, I don't feel that, my meso certainly hasn't overtaken my body and I wonder if that is why my oncologist said palliative care only.  Even so, if that is what he is offering, I haven't heard anything from anyone regarding looking after me!  No, I still haven't heard from Darlington regarding an outpatients appointment or whether the fluid withdrawn from my stomach had cancer cells in it.  What is wrong with the NHS and continued care?  Is it just us with Mesothelioma that are thrown on the scrap heap and left to fend for themselves?
I have gained 2lb already, but this could be down to the fact that I have managed to eat more over the last few days than I have over the last month.  The other down side to my belly going is my back is hurting again.  My back man, bless, said because the weight from the front has gone its putting pressure back on the disc, see I can't win!
At least I can get back into clothes but I am still taking a few of my friends things away on holiday, just in case! 
As I do every night I groom Bear, he doesn't like a fuss or to be cuddled and hugged but grooming is a big bonding thing between us.  Last night he put his head on my lap and hubby couldn't resist taking a snap, although Bear moves if we get the camera out these days.  I can spend anything up to 2 hours a night, especially after he has been running through the under growth over the fields.
So today I am clammy and sweaty, I will go in to the office for a couple of hours but it's Wednesday and healing service is at 2.00.  I certainly think I could do with absorbing quite a lot as well as ask for it to help everyone else.
The service for Chris Shippen is now 10.00 am on Friday morning, its at least an hour's drive with no work traffic.  I have a feeling that I won't make it on Friday as my mornings at the moment are slower than normal.  I feel terrible as I was planning on going but when I did route master last night I realised it was a little out of reach at the moment. 

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