On Saturday night I took a muscle relaxant as my body ached. On Sunday I didn't take my low dose of water tablets are they aren't supposed to be used with the other tablet. I even wore a pair of jeans that were quite baggy around legs and roomy in the waist. I felt a lot better with myself as we went to bed. Around 4 am I woke with discomfort, my sides ached badly and pains in my chest. I got up at 8 and noticed how large my tummy looked. After my morning coffee and a quick look on face book I showered and put the jeans on from the day before. They just managed to fasten, tears filled my eyes and yes I sobbed in hubby's arms. I try not to cry because I have to be strong, During the last 9 years up until recently I could count on one hand how many times I have broken down, these last two months I have cried a lot. By doing this I am allowing the meso into my mental psyche and also it hurts Gary to see me like this. He went to shower after me and I noticed how long the shower ran, I think he did a bit of sobbing in private.
I had set my mind on going in the office but I rang the doctors and managed to get an emergency appointment, the receptionist put me in with my own Dr Jose. Gary drove me to work as he was coming to the docs with me. My colleagues were over the moon to see me after so many weeks. I was amazed at how fast I managed to go through the file of post and sort it out, at 11.00 I left to go to the docs. Our wait wasn't as long as I expected and we went in. Winny told me that my regular radiologist had read the scan, he hadn't done a full report as yet, just a quick email. It saidI had deteriorated a lot since May, especially the right lung. I cried again, what is wrong with me!
I told him what I had done and although I don't think the tablets work I can't be sure not taking them has helped the fluid. He told me to lift the tablets again and also start the dicolfenic. I hadn't started these because if you have had heart failure you can't take them. He told me for the short time I need them it wouldn't make any difference. I asked him to refer me to Dr Dean again but this time to fit the drain. I don't want to be dying with a heavy stomach sitting on top of me. He told me I won't be dying anytime soon and all I need is some one willing to treat with chemo. He also mentioned Dr Abtin and said it was a shame he couldn't come here. My right lung tumours would certainly get killed. I think the tumour inside the lung is the one to worry about though. My eyes welled up so I got up to leave, he gave me a hug and told me not to worry, see Prof Fennell first and see what happens.
I came home first just in time to remember The British Lung Foundation had arranged for me to do an interview with That's Life magazine, to help promote their new Take 5 awareness program. Emma from the mag rang at 12.30, I felt sorry for the lady as trying to follow my history is quite hard. The call lasted some 90 minutes, she will write it up then ring me back with her story then if I agree it will go to the editor to be published. Gary isn't happy that I did this because of the way they sensationalise stories. The good thing is, if it is done properly meso will reach a wide range of readers. Also the payment will go to Mkmrf.
I seemed to pull myself together and went back to work. I threw myself into it, before I knew it everyone had gone apart from me and my brothers. I had intended to talk about the future, we would start then the phone would ring and we would lose our thread, in the end it was decided to talk after seeing the Prof. If things are bad then I will have to relinquish my job for the security of the company. If I have chemo then I can work at home on the days I am ill but overall I need to decide if I will work set days in the office. This year I have been so unreliable, which in my position isn't good.
Today has been hard on both hubby and I. Gary said when he was cutting the grass Bear stayed by his side, then when he decided to have some play time with them Bear kept pushing his nose into Gary's face. I think he knew Gary was troubled.
Tomorrow is another day I hope the tablets kick in. I find it strange that I really don't want to visit the toilet much as it is, just hope they start working, at least I can tell my the jeans I tried on.
I'm shattered so ending this post and catch up with some recorded program's, although I think I may be asleep in an hour.